Friday, July 29, 2011

Gems of Wisdom: Quotes Gathered from the Folks at the Bed & Breakfast

For today's blog post I thought I would take a moment to share with you some of the great quotable wisdom I have gleaned from my experience living here in Coulterville, California...a town that up until a few weeks ago Wikipedia apparently had listed as a ghost town.  According to the last census, we here in Coulterville (and it's bedroom community of Greeley Hill) enjoy a population of 210 permanent residents and a steady stream of international tourists passing though on old Highway 49 en route to Yosemite National Park.  So check your facts you giant free encyclopedia!

So without further ado, for your reading enjoyment, I present to you some vignettes from the confluence of cultures here in the high sierras...

Cultural Exchange:

A lovely aristocratic family from Mexico City arrived here at the B&B. Apparently en route they stopped at Lyon's Towing in Greeley Hill to ask for directions and it was here where they encountered Chris our local mechanic/tow-truck driver/resident coverall wearer.  Chris apparently looked them over and said: "You can't be Mexican, yer too white to be Mexican and too tall...but yer ladies sure are pretty." 

     *Well done Chris, spreading international diplomacy and cultural understanding one tourist at a time!  I didn't ask but I do truly hope that Chris punctuated that sentence by spitting out a was of chewing tobacco onto the pavement.

Unusual Requests:

"We want three king sized beds...all in one do this for $100?"
     ~ Man calling from India about a room (clearly a really big room)*
          *Okay, where besides maybe the fantasy suites at the Palms can you find a single room with three king sized beds?  

Spacial Disorientation:

Caller:  "How many people can you put in your smallest room?"

Me:  "Our smallest and cheapest room sleeps two people."

Caller:  "Can we put seven people in that room?  Oh and do you take coupons from your Holiday Inn Express?"

Me:  "Oh look here, we're all booked up for the rest of the year." (This is a bed and breakfast people, not a clown car or steerage class on the Titanic.)

Existential Struggle:

A Chinese man who had recently come to Silicon Valley to work for a major computer company visited the B&B with his family.  He requested that rather than join us at the breakfast table in the morning we place the breakfast on trays in their room the night before so they could get an early start for Yosemite National Park.  We obliged.  I boiled eggs.  I gave them Yoplait.  I squeezed them juice and gave them milk in the bottle.  I also gave them their own baby watermelon and a case of fresh strawberries along with granola bars, cereal and bacon strips they could microwave...but alas...I had forgotten the one thing that all men must have in order to get a jump on the day...BREAD!  I was accosted that evening upon their return.  The conversation went a little like this:

Me:  Welcome back Mr. C., did you have a nice time in the park?

Him:  But we have no BREAD!

Me:  Pardon?

Him:  This morning...there was NO BREAD!

Me:  Oh I am so sorry...I really honestly thought that I had given you enough to eat.  I really do apologize.

Him:  But we have no BREAD!  No BREAD!  (He pauses to take a breath) NO BREAD!

Me:  Yes, I understand the hardship of not having bread

Him:  But NO BREAD!

Me:  I understand, I am so sorry...I really thought that I had met your carbohydrate needs for the day with the cheerios and granola bars and bananas in the juice and such.  I am so sorry.

Him:  But we have NO BREAD!  When you were sleeping I go into your kitchen and look through your things and I find that all of your bread is frozen!  FROZEN BREAD!

Me:  Well yes, I mean we freeze the bread so that we have it for french toast...wait, you were in my freezer in my personal space...while I was sleeping?

Him:  French toast is not BREAD!  I try to find you in bed and wake you for BREAD!

Me:  I am so sorry...I just had no idea how passionate you were about bread.  

Him:  I like WHOLE WHEAT BREAD...for fiber!

Me:  I just didn't know...sometimes in this crazy life we get caught up in the rat race and forget to think about the fiber intake needs of other...clearly I did that.


Me:  Now remind me again exactly how many more days is it that you are staying here?  


Okay, that's all for now...

Until next time folks...


No comments: