Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Totally Awesome New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone!  Since this is my first post for 2011 I thought I would share with you some of my resolutions for the new year.  Now since Oprah is launching her own network today I feel like I need to up my game too so my first resolution is to increase the offerings of my blog with a new column I like to call, "Obscure Movie Reviews from Netflix".  This is going to be exactly what it sounds like...once a week I will watch an obscure film that probably never made it to theaters but is now available to stream instantly on Netflix...and review it.  So, I guess I will just say in advance...you're welcome people.

I also decided that this year, rather than resolving to lose weight or work out or floss more I would set one-time goals that I wanted to accomplish within the next 365 days.  As my dear friend Nicole said to me last night as we were toasting the new year in true LA style at the International House of Pancakes on the Sunset Strip, "any important change worth making in your life should start the moment you think about...not on some arbitrary date like New Year's".  How wise Nicole is...clearly it was her 2:00 am county fried steak and eggs that was fueling her clarity of vision.   So fooey on you weight loss and better oral hygiene..I am coming up with a list of aspirations I want to see realized by this time next year.  So now, in no particular order here are my resolutions for the new year and rationale behind them...



  • I will go to Canada and wear one of those awesome earflap hats and eat something drenched in maple syrup.


    • Why Canada?  Well, why not?  I feel like you can't call yourself a true citizen of the world until you get to know your neighbor and I am a great fan of many things Canadian...Neil Young, Rush, The Kids in the Hall, beautiful landscapes, super hot First Nation men, slow rhythmic accents, socialized medicine, maple syrup...the bacon not so much.  But all that notwithstanding I have yet to ever set foot on Canadian soil and I think it is a crying shame. So this year I will see Canada...Manitoba here I come.

  • I will get a tan.
    • Clearly I will not be getting a natural tan.  If you have ever seen me or know me well you know that I sunburn to the color of boiled lobster in about thirty seconds, I cry, it peels, and then we are back to pasty whiteness again.  But this time I am actually going to invest in a spray on tan.  Now I may just end up looking like I have exposed to a light coating of Cheetoh's dust...but hey, you only live once right?  Stay tuned for more details at a later date...  
My body probably won't look this good...and my breasts definitely won't be that spherical

  • I will conquer my necromusophobia.
    • What is necromusophobia?  It is the fear of dead rodents.  I'm not afraid of many things in this life.  I'm not afraid of spiders or roaches or blood but I am petrified...literally rendered incapacitated by the sight of a dead rodent.  Live rodents are fine...actually I find them to be absolutely charming little creatures.  But the moment they die they become my kryptonite, my achilles heel, a punch to the face you didn't see coming.  In high school I actually passed out in anatomy and physiology lab when confronted with dissecting a rat...luckily my bff Chastity was able to handle it while I puked outside on the lawn. Then last year I was literally curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my friend Alise's kitchen after she uncovered a dead gopher her Jack Russell Terrier had hidden away in the cushions of her couch.  I was so panicked and desperate I actually called my Dad who was 6 hours away in Yosemite and hearing the terror in my voice he actually offered to make the drive immediately to rescue me from the dead gopher in the other room.  Thankfully the then six months pregnant Alise managed to clean up the gopher while I tried to find a find a happy place in my mind as I rocked back and forth like an inmate in an asylum.  So this year I will confront my fear and not be a prisoner to it anymore...I am not entirely sure how I am going to do this...but if anyone has any suggestions I would be most appreciative.
Otherwise...this is will be me...

  • I will be Wonder Woman for Halloween.
    • For the last decade I have wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween...this year I am going to do it.  But first, I need to get my thighs Wonder Woman costume ready...so even though I said that working out and losing weight wasn't on my agenda for 2011...I guess it sort of worms its way in here.  But I am not trying to work out and eat better for the sake of health...no, not that tired old cliche.  Nope...I am doing it for the express purpose of rockin' a Wonder Woman costume 10 months from now.
See this is where another resolution will overlap...THE TAN!

  • I will finally get around to seeing Avatar.
    • I just have no interest in Avatar...I'm sorry.  I really am.  But I will make it a point to see it this year so I stop getting horrified looks from people at parties when I say I haven't seen it.  But I'm not doing it in 3-D.  I'll watch it but I refuse to get a migraine in the process.
I don't want to see this guy in my dreams...creepy.

  • I will learn all of the lyrics to Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" so that I can karaoke without looking at the words on the screen.
    • My friend Alise (of dead gopher in the couch fame) knows all of the lyrics and dance moves by heart.  I want to be able to duet with her...hopefully in my Wonder Woman costume.
"Word to your mother..."

  • I will finally repaint my bedroom.
    • Since the year 2000 I have had a red bedroom...honestly it looks like a Victorian brothel.  It's time for a change.  I will cover over it...maybe paint it a color that says less Victorian brothel and more Bangkok Bordello...kidding.

This is a digital rendering of approximately what my room looks like...well, minus the erotica.

  • I will throw my high school class reunion (I know...its a year late...sorry)!
    • Sorry...I got busy this year people...but I promise I will get around to it in the next twelve months.  Screw traditional milestones!  
I've got nothing...no clever caption comes to mind.  Note to self...work on perfecting better captioning in the new year.

  • I will watch The Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as the alternative soundtrack
    • Yeah, yeah, I know...you are horrified that I haven't ever seen The Wizard of Oz all the way through.  I am just not a Judy Garland or terrifying flying monkey fan...but I will do it this year and I will do one better by watching it on mute with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" playing as the soundtrack.  According to urban legend if you start the CD at the third roar of the MGM lion during the intro to the film the Dark Side of the Moon album provides the perfect complimentary score to the film.   
The experience is supposed to be greatly enhanced by dropping acid...but alas that element will not be present in my viewing of "The Wizard of Oz".  However, I might drop a couple of boxes of malted milk balls.  I am sure the resulting effect is almost the same. 

  • I will host a Tupper Saussy Dinner Party Night.
    • Finally, I will host the hands down coolest dinner party of all time...a Tupper Saussy themed soiree where guests will be required to wear dinner jackets with pocket squares and ascots and sniff brandy and eat canapes while laughing at ignorant people's poverty.  And of course this will all be done while listening to the interpretive jazz of one Tupper Saussy.   

Tupper Saussy...a man not to be taken lightly...

So once again, happy new year everyone!  And keep an eye out for a tanned and Tupper Saussy-ed me in this new decade!

4 comments:

James E. Braun said...

You're going to conquer your necromusophobia? In that case, I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be 17 with my long black hair back in place. I may even start liking to hang out in crowds and stop pointing out every mistake pertaining to guns in movies. Just hope you don't wake up with me trying to help by leaving the rat I'm about to go fish out of the pool skimmer on your bed. What I am trying to say is that I've spent your whole life watching you react as I disposed of said creatures. I'm not holding my breath on that one.

sheri said...

I wanna be invited to the Tupper Saussy party so I can scoff at poor people while sipping on my brandy. We need to have a tanning party cause seriously, my legs are blinding white...

Whitny said...

Sheri consider yourself invited! :-)

Christine Flaningam said...

Omg I started to tear up reading about ur necromusophobia as I have never encountered ANYWHERE anyone else who has that same phobia and people don't understand that its specifically after they die. Totally fine when they're alive- only my issue is specifically mice/rats. and the fact that I was tearing up reading it should really show emphasis on how terrifying and literally petrifying this irrational, retarded, stupid, makes no freaking sense whatsoever the phobia really is. And worse off is knowing that cause of this overwhelming sense of terror and panic can't possibly hurt you or attack you at all -physically incapable of doing such- yet the fear, terror, panic, hysteria is there just the same and there's nothing you can do about it until said reason is removed.so thank you so much it makes me feel so happy to know that I am NOT the only one